i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
