What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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