I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
