So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
