once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
