I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
