We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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