im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
