Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
