i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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