my vag is so smooth its legendary
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
