My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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