90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
