What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
