im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
