I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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