i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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