It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
