there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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