her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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