the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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