You're a womanizer and a bitch.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Randomize
