I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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