Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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