My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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