omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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