this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize