Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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