my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
