I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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