My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
