Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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