somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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