I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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