Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
