Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
