i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
