SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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