I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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