If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
