dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
