And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
