I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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