I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
