So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
