if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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