note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
