Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
