I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
