I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
