Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
