so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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