Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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