you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
