Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
