is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
